Morningitis

I began my blog with a warm and endearing entry about the joys of entering motherwomanhood. I forewarn you that what you are about to read may be very disturbing, so if you would like to hold on to the illusion that motherwomanhood will always be a joyous experience, then stop reading this right now! The truth is there are often many days in motherwomanhood that are all guts and no glory.

Fast-forward from the days of spending endless hours staring at a sleeping infant bundled cozily in my arms to the present, where I find myself wishing someone would bundle me tightly in a snug little blanket and place me in a dark, quiet, padded room. I will now direct your attention to a plague that blindsides unsuspecting motherwoman everywhere at the most ungodly hour, or as I know it, the morning.

The plague is morningitis. The symptoms of morningitis are very similar to those of severe cases of dementia or Alzheimer’s. Disorientation is common. Children who are suffering from morningitis have a difficult time identifying what day or time it is and may require assistance with the most basic daily living functions, such as dressing and feeding themselves. Although they need close supervision and constant re-directing at this critical time, they may strongly resist such attempts to help. In severe cases, some have been known to wander aimlessly in circles while in their underwear with one sock on, unresponsive to their names when called.

The most important to thing to do when encountering this phenomenon is to remain calm—people may be watching...

I remember during one particularly bad episode of morningitis, I was standing helplessly in my driveway, barely holding back a tidal wave of tears of frustration, moments away from hurling myself against the pavement in a psychotic tantrum of my own as I watched my then four-year old daughter stumble around the car in circles, like a drunk, blind man. It was if she had never seen a car before and just did not know what to do, which was as simple as opening the door and getting into the vehicle.

I had to pause and breathe deeply between each word to re-compose myself as I completed the usual morning ritual with the most obvious and unnecessary reminder:

GET...

IN...

THE...

CAAAARRRR!!!

As the last word violently spewed from my trembling lips, I noticed my neighbor watching the ridiculous drama unfolding in stunned silence.

"Good morning, Paul," I managed to squeak out in complete humiliation.

 "Good morning," he replied, baffled, yet amused.

"Well, have a nice day," I offered apologetically, as I tried to stuff my screaming child into her car seat.

"Have a nice day," he said with an amused grin.

I share this story so that you will be forewarned. Morningitis is a very real and serious condition for which there is no cure at this time. I believe it may be the cause of countless nervous breakdowns. Remember, above all, remain calm. Among the many reasons for doing so, one of them is people are watching. They are watching and waiting to see you unravel. Don't give them the satisfaction. Smile and wave as you buckle your half-naked screaming child into the car and then drive off with that plastered smile just like the best of the Stepford wives and ignore the piercing screams emanating from the backseat. Just smile and wave.