Got Floss?

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and I'm sooo nervous, but not for the usual reasons people are afraid of the dentist. Not for legitimate reasons like being scared of a painful root canal or extraction.

No, my reasons are far more neurotic than that.


I'm scared...that I'll be found out...exposed as a fraud. Gulp!

You see, I haven't kept up with flossing, and I haven't worn my retainer like I'm supposed to every night, and I know that they will know, and I dread that terribly awkward moment when I'll be sitting in the chair and the hygienist will ask me if I've flossed (as if she didn't already know) and I mumble something unintelligible because I can't lie but I don't want to answer the question. Just the thought of it is already making me squirm in discomfort.

Besides the embarrassment of having your hygiene habits scrutinized, it can be a little intimidating to deflect questions while you are sitting in a chair elevated high off the ground with a flood light in your face and sharp objects being pointed at you. They want you to believe the chair is elevated so that it is easier to look into your mouth, but I believe the real reason is to make it harder for people to slide out of the chair and run away.

Frankly, it can feel like an interrogation.

On top of that, my daughter is coming with me. What will she think of me when she finds out I've been living a lie? Respect is a very delicate thing-hard to win, but easy to lose. She may never look at me the same way again. Six is a very, very impressionable age.

What if she never gets over the disappointment? What if this scars her for life?

I can picture it now...She's talking to her therapist about where our relationship went wrong, and this is the moment she will refer to as the defining moment where I shattered her faith in me.

How will I recover from this fall from grace?

Oh, things are not looking good. It's worse than I thought. Now I'm even more nervous.

I should probably be flossing right now, but I'm eating a chocolate bar instead to soothe my nerves. Come to think of it, I couldn't floss right now even if I wanted to. I'm out of floss, and to tell the truth, I don't remember when I ran out...did I ever have any to begin with?

I'm probably the only woman in the world right now who would rather have a pap smear. I do have soap and a washcloth, so I'm all set in that department.

I hope my dentist is not reading this. Just in case he is...

Note to self: stock up on floss.