Shh...It's a Surprise!

Hello MotherWomen!

I am sorry it has been a while since I have posted a new entry. I have been so busy with back-to-school, for both my daughter and myself. You, no doubt, have been keeping very busy yourselves!

I am taking two evening classes in finance and marketing, and the hour drive to and from certainly gives me time to think about things.

My marketing class class was not what I imagined it to be. I hate to say it, but I was extremely bored. I love learning, and as an instructor myself, and always ready to support the class and join in the discussions, but there was nothing to join into. I guess I pictured my marketing professor to be this pumped-up, outgoing individual who was ready to jump off sofas for the sake of motivating the class. Instead, I got the enthusiasm of that guy from the Clear-Eyes commercial. Maybe it was just the late hour, or just the first day blues, but it made counting kegels sound exciting...

98...99...100!

If you are not sure what kegels are, you need to have a serious talk with your OBGYN! The last thing you want is your uterus to fall out. Now that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it?

Anyway, after suffering through a very dry marketing class, I ventured homeward in my quiet car for a lonely hour drive. I wondered what my family was doing. I was curious if my husband had any surprises for me when I arrived. Oh, I'm not talking surprise me with a warm bubble bath and a glass of wine. I've been married over ten years now, and after the fifth year, I started to catch on that those weren't the kind of surprises I could expect from him. I was thinking more along the lines of whether or not the kids had been put to bed, or if the dishes had been done. My husband is very "laid back", and that means bed time is not necessarily an exact time as it is a very flexible, loosely-interpreted window of time some time between 8:00 p.m. and the next day.

My husband has adopted this punch line from family comedy as his personal slogan: "I wasn't sure if you wanted me to wash the dishes...so I didn't." It's funny in theory, but not so much in practice.

Whew! Thankfully, the kids were asleep when I arrived home, well past even my bedtime. Although I had missed them, I was so relieved that I didn't have to get involved in the long, drawn out process of tucking them into bed.

"I want to read one more story."

"I'm thirsty."

"You forgot to say a prayer."

"Did I ever tell you about the dream I had when..."

"WHERE'S MY (fill in the name of your child's favorite stuffed animal here)!!!!!"

Sometimes, I wish children came with an "off" button. Now that would be the ultimate "easy" button.

I crashed on the couch besides my husband and joined him in watching some TV. I didn't bother asking about the dishes, and thanked him for tucking the kids in on time. He smiled, and I was glad I didn't ask about the dishes.

Well, that's the major events of the moment in a nutshell. I hope you have been able to enjoy some quiet evenings yourself.

You Might Be a MotherWoman If...

You learned from several near-death experiences that toys on the floor can be quite hazardous to your health...

Picture by Explodingdog.com

When a fork is not enough

For the sake of my daughter's self-worth, I need to run out and get chopsticks today. I must get them right away. Let me explain. It all started when she was watching Ni Hao Kai-Lan, a cartoon that exposes children to Chinese culture, and was left with an inferiority complex after watching the show.

She asked me if Chinese people can eat with forks. Sure, it seemed like an innocent question, but I have learned that a question is never just a question, at least not with her. Remember when she asked me what I was going to leave her when I die? I was not sure where she was going with this particular question, but I had a feeling I was walking into a sticky situation judging by the serious look on her face.

"I'm sure most of them can, honey", I replied.

Wrong answer! I could tell by the concern in her furrowed little brows that that was not the answer she was hoping to hear, although I had yet to understand how that could possibly be a problem.

"Ugh! Great! Chinese people can eat with both a fork and chopsticks, but I only know how to eat with a fork", she exclaims in disbelief.

"Yes, that's tragic", I thought to myself in a moment of pure cynicism.

She was still staring at me in her typical wide-eyed anticipation, waiting for some glimmer of hope in the midst of despair.

"Would you like some chopsticks?"

"Really? Oh, yes, please! Then I'll be able to eat with both a fork and chopsticks!"

"Right...yes...because what would life be like if you only ate with a fork?", I continued sarcastically monologuing to myself. She grinned from ear to ear. My cynicism melted into a smile. I actually can't wait to get her those chopsticks, as I know this about so much more than just chopsticks. Hey, she could have asked for a pony.

Morningitis

I began my blog with a warm and endearing entry about the joys of entering motherwomanhood. I forewarn you that what you are about to read may be very disturbing, so if you would like to hold on to the illusion that motherwomanhood will always be a joyous experience, then stop reading this right now! The truth is there are often many days in motherwomanhood that are all guts and no glory.

Fast-forward from the days of spending endless hours staring at a sleeping infant bundled cozily in my arms to the present, where I find myself wishing someone would bundle me tightly in a snug little blanket and place me in a dark, quiet, padded room. I will now direct your attention to a plague that blindsides unsuspecting motherwoman everywhere at the most ungodly hour, or as I know it, the morning.

The plague is morningitis. The symptoms of morningitis are very similar to those of severe cases of dementia or Alzheimer’s. Disorientation is common. Children who are suffering from morningitis have a difficult time identifying what day or time it is and may require assistance with the most basic daily living functions, such as dressing and feeding themselves. Although they need close supervision and constant re-directing at this critical time, they may strongly resist such attempts to help. In severe cases, some have been known to wander aimlessly in circles while in their underwear with one sock on, unresponsive to their names when called.

The most important to thing to do when encountering this phenomenon is to remain calm—people may be watching...

I remember during one particularly bad episode of morningitis, I was standing helplessly in my driveway, barely holding back a tidal wave of tears of frustration, moments away from hurling myself against the pavement in a psychotic tantrum of my own as I watched my then four-year old daughter stumble around the car in circles, like a drunk, blind man. It was if she had never seen a car before and just did not know what to do, which was as simple as opening the door and getting into the vehicle.

I had to pause and breathe deeply between each word to re-compose myself as I completed the usual morning ritual with the most obvious and unnecessary reminder:

GET...

IN...

THE...

CAAAARRRR!!!

As the last word violently spewed from my trembling lips, I noticed my neighbor watching the ridiculous drama unfolding in stunned silence.

"Good morning, Paul," I managed to squeak out in complete humiliation.

 "Good morning," he replied, baffled, yet amused.

"Well, have a nice day," I offered apologetically, as I tried to stuff my screaming child into her car seat.

"Have a nice day," he said with an amused grin.

I share this story so that you will be forewarned. Morningitis is a very real and serious condition for which there is no cure at this time. I believe it may be the cause of countless nervous breakdowns. Remember, above all, remain calm. Among the many reasons for doing so, one of them is people are watching. They are watching and waiting to see you unravel. Don't give them the satisfaction. Smile and wave as you buckle your half-naked screaming child into the car and then drive off with that plastered smile just like the best of the Stepford wives and ignore the piercing screams emanating from the backseat. Just smile and wave.

You Might Be a MotherWoman If...

You find Cheerios in the strangest of places...

Sleepless in Seattle

I was trying to take a nap today—yes, that's right—a nap. I am not embarrassed to admit it. In fact, I'll be so brazen as to openly confess to all my readers that it's not the first time, either. I've taken LOTS of naps! There, I said it. Don't judge me because I believe in naps.

Now, if you're feeling the slightest bit jealous, it's probably just because you need a nap yourself. I would recommend you lie down for a bit to get over your sleep envy, but then you couldn't finish reading my story. Besides, the emphasis of the story is that I was trying to sleep. Sadly, I was not successful. My to do list kept interrupting me. I know, how rude!

There I am lying on the sofa with my silky sleep mask on (oh, yeah, I wear one of those—they are exclusively for serious nappers only). I was clenching my eyes shut, begging for sleep to take over, when my to do list came barging right in. It insidiously crept into my brain, and before I knew it, my thoughts of sweet, delicious sleep were replaced with all of the outstanding things that I had yet to do. Like a maniacal dictator, a voice inside my head began reciting my to do list. Meanwhile, the sleep deprived part of my brain became very irate and began shouting abusively at whatever part of my brain didn't get the memo that we were trying to sleep here!

BE QUIET!!!!!!

Well, needless to say, nobody truly won that argument. I decided to walk away before things got out of hand.

As a compromise, I attempted to prep dinner first and then try the nap thing again later, but that didn't work out so well either. My red, blood shot eyes burned from sleep deprivation. I was tempted to close my eyes a bit while I chopped the onions. Hmm, maybe that's not the best idea I have ever had. If only I had been able to take that nap first, I'd be able to think straight. But nooo...couldn't put the to do list in its place, could you!

Uh, that sentence wasn't directed at you, I was ranting to myself for a moment there. The truth is (and I say this without the slightest bit of exaggeration, no, not even a little), I haven't slept in six years. Six years! It all started when I became a motherwoman, but that's another story. I NEED naps. Naps are the only thing that get me by and prevent me from roaming around like a zombie. Well, that and coffee. Oh, if only...

Where's the Parade?

Flikr

Do you remember the first time you ventured out into the world alone with your new baby...just you and the baby???

Well, one of my new-mom girlfriends did just that the other day, and she commented on what a huge undertaking it was. The planning. The packing. The process. Then there is the  anxious anticipation of the what-ifs...

What if I forget something?
What if the baby starts to cry?
What if I start to cry?

It really is such a monumental milestone to overcome those fears and step out boldly and confidently into the world with your newborn baby. My friend made me laugh as she recounted her adventure because she lamented that by the time she arrived at the store, she was dissappointed to find that there was not a crowd of people ready to greet her with cheers and applause.

Where was the parade?

Where were the fireworks?

Unfortuneatly, as with many new-mommy milestones, there is no parade waiting to greet you when you overcome challenges, but there is that contentment and satisfaction that comes from being able to independently care for your baby and take on the world at the same time. I remember being so proud of getting my daughter ready to go out the first time by ourselves that I took pictures of her all dressed up and strapped in her car seat.

I dedicate this post to all the new motherwomen who are boldly venturing out with  their new baby at their side.

Look out world, because here they come!