Repeat After Me...I am Not a Super Woman...



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My mommy friends will occasionally ask me, "Have you felt guilty about (insert your biggest guilt here)?", and the answer is always a resounding YES!

ALL THE TIME!

Let's face it: MotherWomanhood is fraught with a measure of guilt. It seems like we can always find something to feel guilty about...not spending enough time with our children...not giving them enough space. The list of possibilities is endless. You are probably thinking of something you feel guilty about right now.

Speaking of guilt, every night before I go to bed, I stop by my children's rooms after they have fallen asleep and I check on them. I make sure the temperature in their room is just right, that they are not falling out of their beds, as I usually find them asleep as if they just collapsed onto their beds in mid-flight, and I hug and kiss them. Then, I take a step back, and I just stare at them. There is nothing more beautiful to me than a sleeping child. I study their ever-changing faces. I close my eyes and try to freeze-frame a picture of them in my mind. Then, I always find myself coming back to the same question...

If I could live this day all over again,

what would I have done differently?

I'll pause and reflect on my day, and I'll usually think of at least one thing I said or did or didn't do that I wish I had done differently. Someone once told me that being a parent is not the hardest thing in the world, no, it's being a parent while trying to be everything else that's truly hard. Unfortunately, it's this delicate balancing act where I struggle the most. Often, it's when I'm exhausted and frustrated from "everything else" that I lose my patience with my children, and it usually has nothing to do with anything in particular that they did or didn't do; it was just that "one last straw" on top of everything else. That's when I remind myself that I am not a super woman. I am a MotherWoman.

I try not to second-guess myself at the time, and I realize that given more time to think on a matter, of course I might have come to another solution or alternative as to how I could have handled the situation. Any mother will tell you that hindsight is 20/20. At some point, I have to learn to live with myself, and accepting my own shortcomings is a start.

So, instead of recalling something I wish I could change, I'll try to recall a magical moment that happened that day that I wouldn't change a thing about, and then I will replay it again and again in my mind, hoping to remember it forever.

At the end of the day, I never want these moments to be overshadowed by guilt.

So when you are feeling overwhelmed or guilty for not being everything to everyone exactly as you'd like to be...repeat after me: I am not a super woman, I am a MotherWoman.

Girl Meets Boy

Bing search: bath time

My son has a special friend, Lulu, that comes over our house once in a while to play. Lulu and Anthony have been friends 'from the womb', as Lulu's mom and I overlapped in pregnancies, albeit rather briefly; I was just a few weeks pregnant when Lulu was born.

Since birth, they have done absolutely everything together. Played together. Laughed together. Cried together, although that's usually because one hit the other, but that's beside the point.

Up until recently, they even shared bath time together. Given the fact that both of them seemed blissfully unaware of the gender difference between them, it had never been a problem. That is, until recently...

My son and Lulu were taking a bath together the other day, as on any other day, except for one minor detail. Lulu looked down and noticed the obvious that had previously escaped her attention, and as she pointed to it, she very seriously inquired:

"What's that?"

"Well, that's Anthony's pee-pee."

"Where's mine?"

"You don't have one."

"Well, WHY NOT?"

"Because you're a girl and he's a boy, silly, that's why!"

I was amused, but she, clearly, was not. Her eyes opened wide in amazement. Her bottom lip dropped to the floor. This was a revelation! She paused to reflect on what this meant. Then, she turned her attention away from me and directed her focus squarely on Anthony.

"Hey Anthony! Hey, I'm talking to you. Did you know that you are a boy?"

"NO! I ANTHONY!"

Not exactly sure what a boy was and not liking the idea of being accused of something he's not sure about in such a hostile tone, he vehemently denied it.

"NO! You ARE A BOY!!!"

"NOO! I ANTHONY!!!"

A heated argument quickly ensued. Bubbles started flying. At that moment, I don't think Anthony was prepared to handle the truth, and Lulu was not prepared to let it go until he acknowledged it. I quickly separated them and put them down for a nap until I could figure out how best to handle the situation. I called Lulu's mom to let her know about her 'discovery', and on a later occasion, I did explain to Anthony that he, in fact, was a boy. He seemed alright with it once he understood it. Unfortunately, bath time will never be the same again.

Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

Bing search: hide and seek

 Have you ever seen that commercial that asks: "It's 10:00 pm. Do you know where your children are?"

Well, even before I had children, whenever I saw that commercial, I always wondered to myself, "What kind of parent doesn't know where their children are...I mean seriously, if you don't know where your children are, well, you shouldn't have kids!" And then, after I had children, I became even more self-righteous. Every time I would hear the commercial, I would  smile smugly and think to myself, "Of course I do...What kind of mother doesn't know where her children are!" Well, I eventually learned what kind of parent doesn't know where their children are...really, really, really sleep deprived parents...like myself.

This brings me to the time I "misplaced" my son. I casually mentioned the incident in my recent post about new mommies and the culture shock they experience upon entering motherwomanhood, and it stirred up a bit of curiosity.  Before I get into the story, I just want to clarify that no children were harmed in the making of this story! Honestly! And technically, because my son never left the premises, he wasn't truly lost...at least he knew where he was. It was more like playing hide-and-seek, only I didn't know I was it. OK, so here's the story:

It happened about two years ago when my son was a few months old. I was sound asleep one night when my husband woke me up and asked me where the baby was. I wasn't really awake, so I mumbled something about checking his crib.

"But I was just there...he's not in there."

Nothing was registering in my sleep-deprived brain just yet. All I could think about was getting back to sleep. I mean, how many times does my husband ask where something is when it's right in front of him! We've all been guilty of it, but my husband should be charged and fined for all the times he's been guilty of it. I think it should be punishable by law. But, I digress. Back to the story...

I motioned to the empty space in front of me.

"Well, obviously, he's not here," I stated sharply.

Now my husband looked at me very nervously, realizing that months of sleepless nights had finally gotten to me.

"OK, honey...I need you to think. When was the last time you remember being with the baby?"

"Uh... I was nursing him in bed...but then I put him right back in the crib when he finished. Or at least I think that's what happened..."

"I can't remember..."

He stared at me in disbelief. There was no time to try and bring me to my senses. My husband started frantically patting down the bed in search of our little MIA. He whipped off the covers when he finally found a bump underneath, and there he was, snuggled in a ball in the middle of the bed, sound asleep. Apparently, I only dreamed I put my son back in the crib, and somehow, he had wiggled his way down under the covers.

My husband was just appalled.

"How could you forget where you put him?" he asked, horrified.

I was still in a coma, and couldn't process what had just happened. In a very sleepy voice, I replied,

"Oh, you found him...(yawn)that's great...could you put him back in his crib...yeah, that would be great...(snore)."

I was fast asleep. It wasn't until the next day, when my husband told me what happened that the reality of the situation finally hit me. Chills ran down my spine. How could I forget where I had put him??? From that day on, my husband finally conceded to helping out with the night shift and letting me get some more sleep. And from that day forward, I could confidently say, I know where my children are! Most of the time...there was that other occasion when...

Wonder Moments

Bing.com

There are times when being a motherwoman can be so stressful you actually wonder what life would have been like if you hadn't had kids. We have all been there. The guilt you feel afterward for thinking that way is heart wrenching.

Then, there are those moments that remind you about how absolutely wonderful being a motherwoman can be and you can't imagine life without your children. The surprising thing is that most of those moments are never the landmark moments you'd expect to draw such an emotional reaction from, like baby's first steps or the first day of kindergarten. No, more often than not, they are the very small unexpected moments in between moments that can melt your heart.

Take the other day, for example. I was washing the dishes, wondering how it is possible to go through every fork, dish, and cup we own on a daily basis and debating whether or not we should go Moroccan and just start eating with our hands directly from the serving dish when my son came up to me and pleaded, "Up, up, Mommy. Uppa." Whenever he talks that way, I know he just wants some loving and reassurance from me.

I actually groaned, thinking to myself, "If I stop what I'm doing now, I may never finish this pile of dishes and it will haunt me for the rest of the day."

I was tempted to tell him, "Not now."

But then, as I looked down at his little face and outstretched arms, just begging me to hold him, I realized that the dishes could wait. After all, what could possibly be more important than loving him? And at moments like these when I face the dilemma of finishing a neccessary task and spending time with my children, I wonder...what if this is the last time he wants me to cuddle him like that?

I imagined us fifteen years into the future...my petite little frame crushed under the weight of this giant man-child teenager with long, awkward arms and legs trying to nestle into my lap for some cuddling...yeah, it's not likely he'll want to be held this way forever.

I crouched down so that he could climb on and I just wrapped my arms tightly around him and hugged him. He reciprocated joyfully by wrapping his chubby little hands tightly around my neck and smooshing his delightfully squishy face into mine. For that moment, time really did stand still. It was absolutely wonderful to get lost in that embrace with him. It didn't last, though.

"PUT ME DOWN!” he demanded, as if I had just held him against his will.

I laughed. How quickly he moves on! After receiving reassurance from me that I loved him without reservations, he was ready to face the world and begin a new adventure.

You see, it's those little moments that can really make the experience of being a motherwoman truly satisfying and worthwhile. In celebration of hugging moments, here's a little poem from Shel Silverstein, one of the best children's poetry writer ever...

Excerpt from "Where the Sidewalk Ends," by Shel Silverstein
Click here to visit his site!